A chapter about teen suicide from 'Dry Your Tears'
‘Not to shut the door on grief, but to open the heart to it, is my message.’
Floyd Walker (from Spirit realms in 2011)
Just when I thought I had finished my first book 'Dry Your Tears', this chapter was written at the request of a collective group of souls in 2011, who deeply desired their message to be heard. It contains two channelled dialogues with Ascended Masters, firstly a retrospective one from 2000 with Raman Pascha, and another one later in 2011 with Almora. The intention of this chapter is to help dispel the stigma and judgment around suicide by presenting it from a Spiritual perspective. My love and blessings go out to all who have experienced this sad event as part of their journey in this lifetime. May you find comfort, hope and understanding from this chapter, as did the family of Floyd who kindly gave permission to use the material about their beautiful and much-loved son.
Laura’s experience of almost succumbing to her Soul’s pain and being seduced back to the Spirit realms had forced me to make my decision about Life too. Several times I had thought how much easier it would be to drive off a steep and windy road and there were plenty around the volcanic hills of Lyttelton to choose from. Laura was the only reason I was still on the planet; I was now solely here to support her through her Life, and she needed me more than ever. But what if she went too? My purpose for living would go along with her, and I knew without a doubt that as soon as I had honoured her Life, I would fast-track back to the realms of Spirit too.
However, my Soul had done some hard, first talking to me in my dream state, steering me away from these dark thoughts, replacing them with a thirst for discovering the purpose of Life instead. My thoughts gradually turned less from departing and more to staying even if Laura went, but I knew I needed to start finding out the purpose of Life, and fast, because I was on shaky ground. I had realised my purpose for Life hinged insecurely upon others, with no guarantees they would always be with me. It was high time to find my own purpose for being here.
I was a seasoned traveller through Life and was better equipped to deal with our loss than Laura, who was barely out of childhood. She was extremely vulnerable as are all of our young ones when faced with circumstances that overwhelm them. At the tender age of sixteen years she had just lost a brother and two friends, all within three months and she was going through hell.
I have since learned that when the Soul makes the decision to leave, then an exit will be found for that Soul’s embodied self. Tim’s Soul had chosen a car accident like many of our teenagers and young adults do. He wasn’t an angel, and along with the slick on the road and the heavy rainfall, speed was a contributing factor to his accident. Was Tim’s love affair with speed as he zipped around in his red Fiat Uno an unconscious act of suicide? It could certainly be viewed that way, but I would prefer to drop the labels of suicide and accidents because I believe both to be chosen departures from this realm and arrivals in another.
We view events such as car crashes, getting lost in the bush or drowning as accidents and mostly don’t attribute blame or judgment, but sadly this is not the case when the person has consciously chosen to end their life. Suicide incurs social and religious taboos causing an even heavier burden for both the departed and those left behind to carry. From a Spiritual perspective there is no difference between suicide and a fatal accident; they are both the same expression of the incarnated personality exercising free will. The only difference is the limiting beliefs that humans attach to them, judging one exit to be acceptable and the other unacceptable, the latter accompanied with crippling blame and guilt. But what would have been the difference between Tim’s so-called accident and Laura taking her Life in the bath that day?
Tim was aware of wanting to depart on a Soul level but not from his personality level. He didn’t drive to Sumner Beach that day knowing he would have a fatal car crash on the way, whereas Laura was consciously considering suicide from her personality level, but not her Soul level. She was responding to the enormous grief that she was suffering. In this light how can one be viewed as acceptable while the other is not? I have arrived at this view by understanding the bigger picture of who we really are and what we are doing on Earth in the first place. Set against a backdrop of thousands of incarnations, it is hardly surprising that we opt out of the odd one here and there and perhaps we have all done this in one lifetime or another, if not many.
Tim‘s Soul made a conscious decision to depart early and we came to understand that this was aligned with his contract for this incarnation. But what about when a Soul opts out before it is their time? Floyd, a friendly, personable young man of just seventeen years was found hanging in the Catholic churchyard in Lyttelton only three months before Tim’s accident. It was Floyd and another young friend Jess, who immediately came to reassure Tim when he had left his fatally injured physical body and was confused about what had happened and where he was. Laura spent a lot of time with Floyd’s parents after Tim‘s accident, which allowed her to share her pain with others who completely understood but without the intense emotional triggers that occurred between her and me. Because he had hung himself, Laura was very concerned about Floyd. Perhaps because she was exploring this option herself, a session with Raman didn’t pass by without her inquiring after his well-being. The following session with Raman was in September 2000.
Laura: “About three months before Tim died our friend Floyd hung himself. Is Tim with him now?”
Raman: “They have met and they have embraced each other and they were very pleased to see each other, very pleased indeed. And I can say, Floyd has really forgiven himself, he had a lot of regrets, a lot of regrets. He was not in a good space when he left, he was not happy; he really felt he had tried to let others know, but at the end of the day he also felt quite ashamed. That he had, as he was calling it, ‘mucked up’. Now that meant he was on a little bit of a treadmill, which is very difficult to get off unless someone stood in front of him and said ‘Stop!’ And he was really hoping someone would do that, and of course that would be hard to do around him, would it not? I want you to know he was very afraid he would be in trouble, but there is no sin to this, he is not being punished. He has simply woken up and he has received a lot of counsel, a lot of healing, and he is in a much better space.”
Laura: “Is there any main reason why he killed himself?”
Raman: “Because, dear heart, he found it very difficult to handle how he felt about himself, he had quite a battle with himself and with his choices, and he knew he kept avoiding things that he needed to do. Every time he looked at himself he found that he didn’t like himself, then he had to put a lot of energy into the facade - you know the one, being happy, letting everyone know that he was alright. Playacting, but that really wasn’t him. He was hoping someone would watch and say, “That’s not you … what are you doing?”
I also want you to realise (directed to Laura) because you are a part of this dear one, that for the young generation that have incarnated now, it is a very difficult period, and some do fall through the cracks. Simply because, and you may tell me if I am wrong, but you find it hard to relate to the old. You don’t know where you fit, and you know you’ve come to be different but the future is not formed yet and so you don’t know where to put your energy to make a difference. And this is a struggle for many of you, because you’ve incarnated at the end of a very tumultuous period in human history. I want to gently and lovingly remind you, you are here for a reason - you are here for your own learning - but you are also here because you are a member of a new generation that has come to make a difference. Of course you will look around and see much is wrong with this world- and there is quite a lot wrong - so you’re not going to feel very happy about it. You don’t want to be part of it; you don’t want to perpetuate it. So you will look at the pollution, the war, the demands and cultural expectations in your society. And you will say, I don’t fit, I don’t want to be a part of it. But it is also important for you to look and notice all that is sustained and beautiful and here as a potential. But if you only see the negative, if you get caught up in that, then that will become your reality dear one.
So remember that you are allowed to look for joy! To be happy, to make your Life work; you don’t have to hold yourself back just because your brother cannot. So you must not sacrifice yourself, you will make him very unhappy. It is his greatest concern dear heart, that you will sabotage yourself and your Life because he has left. But this is a Soul choice; this is a choice you must allow yourself to face. And to know that as you face it you have a mother who loves you very much, I love you very much, and you can have a lot of support, all the support in the world. It is important for you not to hold in how you feel. Even when you feel perhaps you shouldn’t say these things, to let them out dear heart, so that you can hear them but also so that others can hear them, and they can help you as well.”
Laura: “So Floyd’s okay?”
Raman: “He is doing very well. And he’s received advice how he can resume Life. You see, if you opt out before your time then you are encouraged to come back.”
Laura: “Was it his time?”
Raman: “Indeed it was not! It was not his time; he has a lot of potential.”
Laura: “Can you please send love from his Mum and Dad, and from his sister?”
Raman: “Yes, indeed, it will be my pleasure. And I want you to know he loved them very much, it has caused him great distress that he hurt the ones he loved. He has had great guilt about this, it has been a great difficulty for him, it has been very sad. He realised my dear friend, that when he died and he saw the outpouring of love and grief for him, it really was there for him but he was afraid to ask for it. He was afraid that some of his actions meant that everybody was against him. He thought he had ‘mucked up’.”
Annette: “I thought as a community we had let him down, that we didn’t see or didn’t act on what we had seen.”
Raman: “Dear one, it’s important to realise it is difficult to see because these little Souls are masters at camouflage. And of course when they take actions that put up smoke screens their parents look at them with concern, and they can see what they are doing, but they don’t realise it is a call for help. So you must not blame yourselves but realise these very young individual Souls are learning and growing, just like you, who will make individual choices.”
At the next session Laura again inquired after Floyd Laura asking Raman “Have Tim and Floyd connected again?”
Raman: “Yes, not often from a human perspective but their meetings have been extremely valuable for both. And of course Floyd knew from the moment he left this world that your brother would be joining him. So he anticipated his arrival and so was extremely loving and supporting of your brother when he did. But they are different energies and have different things to learn. It is like going to the same school but realising you are choosing different courses so you can choose to get together but a lot of time you are apart.”
Laura: “Why did Floyd choose the churchyard to hang himself in? He wasn’t religious.”
Raman: “Because at the moment when he went there he really wasn’t actually planning to do this, he really wasn’t, though of course everybody would think he did. But he didn’t want to create a fuss at home and he went there seeking solace, he was seeking some help, some guidance. He was turning to the one thing he knew in his heart was the authority of Life above all Life. And secretly, he was very religious. He would have kept this to himself. Eventually, had he remained he would have explored Spirituality quite strongly. Even if it wasn’t fashionable, and as you know, he often liked to set trends.
So, in going there, he was seeking some understanding, some solace, and he found two things. One, he found that his thoughts, his feelings and his actions that he could not reconcile with, because he had done things he really wasn’t happy about, and in the face of all that he felt … he felt he was not good enough. It reinforced his thought that he was making a mess of his life; that it was ‘a muck-up’.
The other aspect was that when he was quiet and calm, he actually felt a great presence, a great love, and he desired that over all else. It was the one thing, the one place, and he made a choice. But you will need to understand that he was in torment; and indeed, at the same time, (because he moved in and out of these two spaces), he was also very calm and very clear about what he was going to do. But (choosing the churchyard) it was his cry for help, it was a message also, and he wanted to relieve his parents, particularly his mother, to let her know where he was going, where he wanted to be, as an alternative to Life.
Laura: “Is there a message from Floyd that I could pass on to his family?”
Raman: “He wishes to convey his absolute enjoyment at the efforts being made in the garden. And I believe there is a particular; well it might be termed a memorial, yes? He wishes to convey his awareness of this development and indeed, he wishes to give his approval. It is a significant and important thing. I’m aware there may be some mental plans for more garden development and I would encourage them to go ahead because he wants to be a part of things that are living and growing, and he is pleased to be remembered in this way. To let his family know that he visits often and he sits in his usual place at an odd angle when they are gathered in the living room, he still comes and takes his place. He’s often amused that no one knows he’s there. He doesn’t like to intrude too much as I believe he is still feeling uncomfortable with how he has hurt his family. And therefore he’s not as confident as your brother is at coming and letting everybody know he’s there! He will learn to do this as he increasingly heals. He is still working with some grief and guilt.
He doesn’t want his father to feel guilty. I see that his father has tormented himself with not knowing; that he should have seen. He hid it too well, he hid it very well. There is nothing his father could have seen, nor is there anything he could have said that would have made a difference. It was not about his father. If you would convey this, I believe Floyd would be very happy. There’s a lot of healing to be done in his family, a lot of healing to be done in their lives now.”
Just prior to actually realising I would be writing this chapter, I happened to bump into Floyd’s father in Lyttelton and asked him if we could share Floyd’s story, so that others may learn and heal. I was prompted to ask him this because in the previous weeks I had noticed many teenagers had come into my awareness. For example I had several incidental meetings of former students, or I would walk into the lounge to find an interview on TV about the high youth suicide rate in the developed world, and things like that. However, I simply took it as a reminder to include young people in this book more fully. But then I began seeing a reoccurring memory of Floyd in my mind’s eye, seeing him late one night in a Lyttelton street as I made my way home after an evening with friends. He was dressed in an oversized hoodie and oversized trousers worn in the fashionable way of ‘low riding’, meaning the crotch was almost at his knees! A rather forlorn figure, drinking out of a bottle which was inside a brown paper bag, he was staggering and swaying along the road on his own. I stopped to talk to him and he was chirpy and polite even though he was intoxicated, but he declined my invitation to take him home, saying he was fine. This was just a week or so before he took his Life and I still feel guilty I didn’t do more. Not only was Floyd a close friend of my children but I had been a founding member and past president of the Lyttelton Youth Council which was established to identify and support teens at risk. Despite living in a small village-like community where people do care about each other, despite our community initiative that actually employed a full time youth worker, right under our noses we lost my own son and many of his young friends.
Today at the computer I have surrendered my guilt in a flood of tears and have finally forgiven myself for my perceived lack of action. Even though we have just heard Raman’s words that we shouldn’t blame ourselves, we invariably do, but it is imperative we eventually forgive ourselves and our departed loved ones. I encourage others to release long-held regrets and guilt as there is no reason to continue to carry such heavy burdens and our loved ones certainly do not want us to do this.
So once again I pulled out old recorded tapes of sessions with Raman from 2000 and found the above material that we have Laura to thank for. After working with this material a timely session with Almora arrived and through him I took the opportunity to ask Floyd for his permission to use this material. It was immediately given with the words “Yes, indeed, a privilege.” I then asked if Floyd would like to contribute to this book with his own message about death and grief. And now, here is Floyd’s beautiful and wise message conveyed through Almora in 2011, coming slowly at first and then gathering in confidence.
Floyd: “There is no separation between Life and death. That there is no fear in dying. That I have been able to see and do more from where I am now at this time, than if I’d stayed there. And through the experience of Life and death there are many gifts if you are able to see them. In recognising the privileges of Life, also in death great healing can occur between families and friends that would not have occurred otherwise. For in that death, they can be united in their grief and appreciate each other through the healing process. Sometimes it divides families. Sometimes it divides friends, but it is always an opportunity for them to come together and heal and appreciate their lives and their journeys and precious, precious Life. Because Life is nothing really without those you love. And often in Life that is forgotten, until there is death. And often that (death) is not appreciated. So, coming together in grief is a deeply clearing and healing process and it connects every person because every person in this world, at some time, will feel grief”.
‘Not to shut the door on grief but to open the heart to it, is my message.’
Annette: “Thank you Floyd. Those beautiful words will reach so many hearts and provide much healing. Your contribution is much appreciated, your Life, your death. Blessings to your heart.”
Floyd: “Thank you for being the messenger for us and many, many thousands of others, many millions of others. This is a very beautiful gift to the world, to all of those who have lost someone they love.”
Annette: “My love to Shane, Jimmy, Chloe, Jess, Shakira, Georgina,” (the names I could recall of young people connected to Tim and Laura who have passed early, unfortunately there are many more than these).
Floyd: “And all love to you too.”
When our very touching, loving conversation had finished Almora described for me what had been happening energetically. It was so beautiful tears flowed freely as I understood just how much these Souls had wanted their message about suicide to be heard.
Almora: “They (the Souls who wanted this message about suicide to be included) have created for their group energy of love, a beautiful violet orb (a glowing ball of light) dear one, which is floating here between us, glistening in the light.”
Annette: “Ooh! I’ve seen that in my mind’s eye! I wondered who that was! So they are very often with me?”
Almora: “Often with you, and guiding you, and feeling your love as well.”
Annette: “So beautiful.”
Almora: “Very beautiful. You are a messenger for them, and also for here, dear one. Between the worlds … you walk between the worlds.”